40y/o virgin comedy script

 ESTABLISHING SHOT

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - MORNING

We reveal a nondescript apartment complex in North Hollywood California. It is not nice or ugly. It looks like every other pleasant -looking apartment complex in the valley.

INT. APARTMENT - MORNING

ANDY STITZER, a boyish looking forty year old man, is asleep.

His clock radio goes off. It is playing oldies, which now consists of rock ‘n' roll from the mid eighties.

MUSIC UP: "Heat Of the Moment" by Asia.

Andy sits up in bed. Not happy, not unhappy, just another day.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Andy is doing his morning workout. He is doing bench presses. He lifts an enormous amount of weight. His face is very kind, and vulnerable, almost emotionless, but his body is ripped.

On a book shelf Andy has an impressive array of action figures and comic books, all in their original packaging, None of his vintage toys have been opened.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

Andy steps out of his apartment and unlocks his bicycle. His neighbors, JOE and SARA, in their mid-eighties, wave to him as he pedals off.

EXT. STREET - MORNING

Andy, dressed in khaki slacks and a white dress shirt, rides his bicycle to work.

ESTABLISHING SHOT

EXT. CIRCUIT CITY - MORNING

Andy rides his bike into the parking lot of a mini-mall. The mini-mall consists of a dozen stores on two stories.

There is a Barnes and Noble book store, a Daily Grill restaurant, a nail salon, a children's gym and a video store, but the centerpiece is an enormous Circuit City.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY

Andy walks inside. He says hello to people as he heads toward the stock room. Everyone politely says hello back but it is clear he has no close relationships here.

He takes his place at a desk which is in an opening between the showroom and the stock room. People come to him with their receipts to get their items pulled from the stock room and delivered to their cars.

INT. CURCUIT CITY - RATER

Andy is stamping a female CUSTOMER'S receipt. PUNJAB, an Indian salesman, is standing nearby.

PUNJAB

It has been an honor doing business with you. Enjoy your new television. Watch River Runs Through It, it looks amazing on this thing.

ANDY

Cal will you please help this woman bring her stereo to her car.

CAL, a pudgy twenty two year-old white man walks out of the stock room.

CAL

not meaning it

I'd love to.

He picks up the customer's television and walks with the woman to her car.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY

Andy is walking across the showroom floor, headed for the bathroom. He is stopped by JAY, a tall, handsome 25 year-old salesman, who is working a 40 year-old black female customer.

JAY

Andy knows all about this stuff. What is the main reason a flat-screen is better than a rear­ projection?

ANDY

The viewing angle is far better on a flat-screen. Due to the liquid crystal display, you can watch it from any part of the room, and it's a much better resolution.

JAY

So sure, you'll save a couple bucks with rear-projection, but you have more than two people over, they're gonna have to sit on your lap to watch TV. But maybe you like that!

The woman laughs.

Andy keeps walking. A very attractive young woman steps in his path. He looks terrified.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

Could you help me?

ANDY

No.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

But you work here.

ANDY

Yes. I'm not a salesman. I stamp invoices.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

I just have a quick question about CD players.

ANDY

quickly

Punjab or Abujay will be happy to help you. They're very nice. I'm. on a bathroom break.

DAVID, a young, shorter salesman quickly runs up to the woman.

DAVID

May I help you?

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

Are you Punjab?

Punjab walks over.

PUNJAB

I am Punjab. I am here to serve you.

DAVID

I was talking to her.

PUNJAB

I am Punjab, I am here to serve you,

Andy keeps walking. David and Punjab get into it.

INT. BATHROOM

Andy breathes deeply, recovering from the interaction with this pretty woman.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - LATER

Andy is at his post. David, Jay, and Cal are a few feet away, having a conversation.

CAL

What about Andy?

JAY

He doesn't have any money.

DAVID

Well, we can't play poker without at least four guys.

JAY

All right. But he's gotta bring at least 50 bucks, or it's not worth it.

to Andy

Hey Andy, are you busy tonight?

Andy is taken aback at the question. Although he's friendly with them, they never invite him out to social engagements -

ANDY

Do we have to break down the Sony truck?

DAVID

No, we're gonna play poker. You wanna play poker?

ANDY

Uh, yeah, sure, that'd be cool.

JAY

You know how to play?

ANDY

I play on-line.

DAVID

Well it's just like that, except with real people.

ANDY

trying to be hip

So, uh, where's this going down?

DAVID

My house. I'll get you the address.

ANDY

Cool, very cool. Should I bring some stogies? Some liquor?

DAVID

Could you stop off at Boston Market and pick us up some chicken? Three extra crispy, one original, two with fries, and two with mashed potatoes, extra gravy. Each one with corn on the cob.

ANDY

Okay.

DAVID

I'm just fucking with you.

ANDY

I know. You think I'll pick up you losers chicken? I'll see you guys at the game .... but do you need food?

DAVID

No.

JAY

I hope he has money.

INT. DAVID'S APARTMENT - MIDNIGHT

The four are playing poker. Most of the chips are in front of Andy, who is a little too dressed up for this event.

JAY

How much fuckin' online poker do you play?

ANDY

Just an hour or two a night. When I'm not on Sims.

CUT TO:

INT. DAVID'S APARTMENT - LATER

DAVID

throws down ONE chip

Well, Andy, at least I feel like I've gotten to know you better, since you spent the last three hours fucking me in the ass.

They all laugh.

ANDY

giggling

I didn't fuck you in the ass. Guys, this has been fun. Give me a call anytime, I'm wide open.

CAL

You know what a gentleman does after he beats other gentleman? He takes them out for liquor.

ANDY

I'm game.

JAY

I have to get out of here. I'm meeting Ellen.

CAL

A little late night action.

DAVID

So you just go to her place at night and bone her and leave? And she has no problem with that?

JAY

No, she loves it.

DAVID

How come I can't get one of those?

JAY

Do you really want me to explain it' to you? Because I will.

DAVID

Shut up.

JAY

This girl is the best. She will do anything. There is no filter between what she wants and doing it. Everything is on the table. She-is-game.

ANDY

Sign me up for that. I'm in!

CAL

I have got to get laid. It's been too long.

JAY

How long?

CAL

Like four months

DAVID

Who was the last one?

CAL

Jill. She was awesome. She had these huge titties. Oh, I used to love to bite them. I didn't even want to have sex, I could bite those titties all night.

DAVID

What happened to her?

CAL

She was an asshole. She was mean. She was a miserable person, but X so regret breaking up with her.

DAVID

Why did you break up with her?

CAL

I felt like we were in different places in our lives.

JAY

Yeah, you were in this place where you were having trouble getting a job and she was in this place where she hated your fat ass!

CAL

Basically. I miss those titties.

ANDY

Titties are the best.

DAVID

I had this girlfriend, she loved the fellatio. Anywhere we went, she would want to do it.

CAL

Why didn't you marry her?

DAVID

We went to see Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. And she's going for it, and the guy who worked there saw us, but he didn't stop it, he just watched. It was so gross. And then I couldn't finish...

JAY

Wait a second, was that Ace one or Ace two?

DAVID

It was the first.one.

JAY

This story is over ten years old. You don't have a sex story that happened in this millennium.

DAVID

Fuck you.

CAL

That is lame.

ANDY

Ah, unbelievable. So lame.

DAVID

Then you give us a good sex story, Andy.

Andy is stopped in his tracks.

ANDY

I don't kiss and tell.

JAY

Come on, give us a good, dirty one. The dirtiest thing you've ever done.

ANDY

I can't. I'm a gentleman.

CAL

Give me a break. You're a freak. I can tell.

DAVID

Lay one on us.

ANDY

after a breath

Ok...well....I went with this girl, she loved having sex. She was so into it. We would have sex and she'd be screaming, "I love it." It was so dirty. We had sex in every room in the house. The bathroom. It was like you guys were saying. She wanted to do it on the kitchen table. I came home and she was on the kitchen table naked 'cause she just wanted me to nail her...

DAVID

And did you nail her?

ANDY

I nailed her so bad. We were swinging from the chandelier. She was crazy. It was never enough with her. Never enough.

JAY

What was her name?

ANDY

Tan-dra. Man it was so crazy.

CAL

Sounds crazy.

ANDY

I am embarrassed to even talk about it. God, I was really into it, too. It was so much fun.

DAVID

Did you like to talk during sex?

ANDY

She was talking the whole time. I was hitting it big time. Just hitting it. She could barely walk the next day. Me so horny.

They all laugh, and look at each other, realizing Andy is full of shit.

JAY

So you really used to do her?

ANDY

Oh, I did her so bad.

JAY

What were her tits like?

ANDY

They were good. Good tits.

CAL

Her nipples?

ANDY

Yeah. Nipples.

DAVID

What were they like?

ANDY

They were good ones.

JAY

Give us some details. Were they long nips? Flat nips? Dark areolas? Were they big silver dollar nips?

ANDY

They were like a dollar. Like ten dollars.

DAVID

What?

CAL

Huh?

ANDY

Like ten times a night.

DAVID

Ten times.

ANDY

Maybe twenty.

JAY

Do you last a long time?

ANDY

Oh yeah.

CAL

How long?

ANDY

An hour.

DAVID

Of screwing.

ANDY

Yeah. Sometimes a little less.

JAY

So ten times would take at least ten hours. Do you rest in between?

ANDY

No. I don't need to.

DAVID

You start right up.

ANDY

Why not. Why waste time?

CAL

So sex with you could take a whole day.

ANDY

Yeah. More even.

DAVID

Do you use protection?

ANDY

Sometimes. I don't really need to.

CAL

Do you use a rubber, or a sponge?

ANDY

I always use a sponge. Sometimes two at a time. What do you guys use?

ALL

Sponge.

JAY

Did you get a lot of back door action?

DAVID

Come on, that's enough.

ANDY

That's cool. We did back door. Side door. We were doing all the doors.

joking

And a couple of windows.

JAY

You have no idea what we're talking about.

ANDY

Sure I do.

JAY

laughing

Oh my God.

ANDY

What?

JAY

You're a fucking virgin.

ANDY

What? Shut up. Yeah, okay. Tell Tandra that. If.I'm a virgin Tandra's a virgin, too.

JAY

You are.

ANDY

Not since I was ten, my friend.

JAY

Unbelievable.

ANDY

Ha. That's funny. This is fun. When did you guys lose your virginity?

JAY

No, no, no. You've never popped your cherry.

DAVID

Leave him alone.

JAY

What?

DAVID

Don't be mean.

JAY

I'm not being mean. He's a virgin. I want to help him. I want to get him laid.

CAL

Yes. Let's get Andy laid.

ANDY

Come on guys. Very funny.

JAY

I am gonna make it my mission to get you laid.

DAVID

Be cool.

JAY

I am gonna be Andy's best friend. I'm Andy's pimp. We're gonna change your life,

CUT TO;

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT

He is pacing around furiously. It looks like he is talking to his unwrapped action figures.

ANDY

They know, they know, they know. They'll forget by tomorrow. They were just screwing around.

beat

Oh no! Dammit. Oh no. Oh no.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - NEXT DAY

Andy walks in, hoping nobody remembers.

ANDY

Good morning, David.

DAVID

Morning, Andy.

ANDY

Good morning, Cal.

CAL

Good morning.

He sees Jay. Oh no.

ANDY

Jay.

JAY

Morning, Andy.

Andy smiles. They forgot. It is in the past. Haziz walks up to Andy,

ANDY

Morning, Haziz.

HAZIZ

We've got to get you some pussy.

turns to female salesman

This boy needs to get laid.

ANDY

Good morning, Debra.

Andy runs to the stockroom, and closes the door, and breathes deeply, almost hyperventilating. Jay walks in.

JAY

Tonight, after work, you're coming out with us. And it's gonna happen.

He exits. Andy is white as a ghost.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

Andy is running down the street at full speed. We see David is chasing him. He finally catches up to him on the median strip of Ventura Blvd.

DAVID

Andy, stop. Just talk to me. You're gonna get killed out here.

They sit on the center divider.

ANDY

I don't want to go out with you guys.

DAVID

Just relax, you don't have to do anything.

ANDY

I'm busy tonight. I have plans.

DAVID

You don't have to go out with us tonight if you don't want to.

ANDY

I'm forty years old, you can't tell me what to do.

DAVID

Andy. Just relax.

ANDY

This is bullshit. This is total bullshit, man.

DAVID

I'm sorry.

ANDY

You've invaded my privacy. This isn't funny. It's my life. I'm fine. My life is fine.

DAVID

Okay. It's fine. We just thought, maybe you needed a little push.

ANDY

I don't need a push. You ever think that some people find sex sacred? It's not a game. This is a choice.

DAVID

To be a virgin. I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were so religious.

ANDY

Well, I am. Okay I'm not. But it's my own personal choice.

DAVID

Okay, but why would you make that choice?

Andy starts crying, his is mouth open in a silent scream, but no noise come out.

DAVID

Breathe Andy, breathe.

ANDY

There's more to life than sex. I don't need sex. Why is that so important to everyone? What's the big deal?

DAVID

If you're happy with the way your life is, then fine, but you have to ask yourself, are you happy? Don't you ever wonder if there's something more out there?

ANDY

I lead a pretty full life.

QUICK FLASHES OF ANDY'S LIFE

--Working out

--Buying action figures

--Building an elaborate model

--Going to sleep. The clock says 9:15 PM.

BACK TO SCENE

ANDY

What am I missing?

DAVID

I don't know. You're not just missing out on sex, you're missing out on relationships. How often do you even leave your apartment? What about friends and love and taking chances? And most of all, you're missing out on sex. What are you crazy, that's the best thing on earth. You can't live your entire life and not experience that. Hiding from that is shutting’ you down from everything else.

ANDY

You know, we've been working together for three years, and I think this is the first time we've ever had a conversation that lasted longer than fifteen seconds.

DAVID

See, good things are happening already.

ANDY

So what can I do?

DAVID

Come out with us tonight. No pressure. We'll just have some fun.

ANDY

I don't want to have sex with anyone tonight.

DAVID

Don't worry. You won't have sex with anyone tonight.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Andy is walking home. Everything he sees seems sexual. It is as if he has seen all of this for his entire life but never noticed it before.

He sees--

A normal looking middle aged WOMAN walking down the street.

He looks away as if she is pure sex.

A gorgeous eighteen year old GIRL with no bra and a low cut T-shirt.

He turns away and tries to hide at a newsstand. He looks down.

QUICK CUTS--every cover is of a gorgeous, busty woman.

He walks away and stops at a bus stop, just wanting to get home. The bus pulls up and on the side of it is a billboard of a perfume ad with a naked man and a naked woman. We only see their bodies, no faces. It could not be dirtier.

Andy panics and starts running down the street. As he runs the bus pulls out and is driving at the same rate of speed- as Andy. He can not escape this dirty billboard no matter how fast he runs. Finally the bus stops at the next light and he loses it, but immediately a new bus drives parallel to him with an even dirtier billboard of a couple, bodies naked and intertwined, clearly doing something he's never done.

Andy cuts right and starts running through a neighborhood - He cuts through houses and lawns. He sees two DOGS having furious sex on a lawn. He cuts into the woods and runs and runs.

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT

Andy runs in and closes the door. He lies down on his bed and turns on the TV. He channel surfs. Every commercial and program has something filthy on it.

-A soap opera with people kissing.

-A commercial for Viagra.

-Paris Hilton almost naked on Entertainment Tonight.

-Teenagers making out on MTV.

-A dirty rap video with tons of barely dressed women and a ripped rapper.

He shuts the TV and closes his eyes as tightly as humanly possible.

Suddenly we hear the sounds of his elderly neighbors laughing, then having very loud sex. The wall behind Andy bangs and shakes. Then stops. Then bangs and shakes even louder.

Andy runs into the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Andy turns on the water, flushes the toilet, puts his fingers in his ears and closes his eyes.

ANDY

to himself.

Everything's gonna be ok. Everything is gonna be ok.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Jay, David, and Cal are talking to an overdressed Andy.

JAY

David told me to be sensitive, so I am going to be sensitive with you. It is important that you lose your virginity, you are forty years old. Enough is enough. This is a hump you just need to get over. Are you ready to try?

ANDY

David said I didn't have to have sex tonight.

JAY

David was wrong. You do.

DAVID

Come on, Jay.

ANDY

Tonight? No.

JAY

Yes, tonight. What's the difference between tonight and any other night?

ANDY

Ok, I'll try, but...

CAL

It's easy. Just do what I do. Only hit on drunk chicks.

ANDY

I can't take advantage of someone when they're drunk.

CAL

It's not taking advantage of them. People drink so that they have an excuse to do the things they really want to do.

DAVID

That's why I drink...and smoke pot...

ANDY

I don't know. This doesn't feel right.

JAY

Yes, you do know. You've got to get this behind you. And it all starts now.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - LATER

Andy, Jay, David and Cal are huddled. Jay hands Andy a beer.

JAY

Just walk up to a woman, but if she's not drunk, just move on. It's not worth wasting your time.

Andy walks around the bar, scoping out women.

ANGLE ON

A table filled with pretty, young women.

WOMAN# 1

I just need to get laid tonight. It's as simple as that.

WOMAN#2

You've been working so hard at work, you deserve to just have some fun. You never do anything wild.

WOMAN# 1

Tonight I'm going wild. The first nice guy that even talks to me, I'm gonna take him home and rock his world.

WOMAN#2

You go, girl.

Andy walks up to the table.

ANDY

Good evening, ladies.

LADIES

Good evening. Hi.

The other woman move off so Woman #1 can talk to Andy. They give her the eye like "this is the one."

ANDY

How are you doing tonight?

WOMAN# 1

Great. And you?

ANDY

Never better. Can I buy you a few drinks?

WOMAN#1

I'm not really much of a drinker. But why don't you sit down?

ANDY

No thanks. It was nice to meet you though. Have a good night.

He walks away. She doesn't understand what just happened.

ANDY

to David

She wasn't drunk. Man, this is gonna be hard.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - LATER

CLOSE UP: ANDY

ANDY

I like what I do, I just don't know if managing a stock room is what I dreamed of doing when i was in high school.

We pull out and reveal that he is talking to a DRUNK WOMAN who is passed out, face down on the bar.

David walks over.

DAVID

looks at the girl

That's drunk.

ANDY

Oh, ok.

DAVID

Come hang out with us. We're partying with these girls who are having a bachelorette party.

ANDY

Are men allowed at those?

DAVID

Shut up. Come on.

As Andy walks away, he turns to the drunk woman.

ANDY

It was nice talking to you. Have a good night.

INT. BAR - LATER

The guys are hanging out with eight drunk women, who are throwing their friend JILL a bachelorette party. The table is littered with empty glasses and filthy adult novelty items.

Jay is playing with one of the vibrators. He talks into it like it is a phone.

JAY

Mr. President. We have a situation in the erection room.

Everyone is laughing hysterically. Cal has edible underwear on his face and he is eating through it.

CAL

It tastes like chicken.

They are laughing so hard, as only drunken people can laugh at semi-humorous jokes.

DAVID

This guy will eat underwear that's not even edible.

They laugh. Andy puts a huge fake penis on his head, trying to join in on the fun.

ANDY

Hey, look at me. I have a huge penis on my head.

They give him a look and a little chuckle, then go back to their business.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - LATER

It is a little quieter now. Everyone is a little drunk, except Andy who holds the same beer which he has not taken a sip out of. Andy is talking to a pretty blonde, NICKY.

NICKY

drunk

The guy Robin's marrying, Jimmy, is such a good guy. I hated him for two years cause he cheated on this other friend of mine. But he's really changed. He's a good guy now.

ANDY

That's good that she's marrying a good guy.

NICKY

She deserves it. We all do. We've all been friends since we were six. Isn't that sick?

ANDY

That's nice to have good friends you've known for a long time.

NICKY

You have kind eyes.

ANDY

Thank you. You have —

She kisses him hard on the mouth. Lots of tongue. When it ends, Andy looks like he doesn't know where he is.

NICKY

This is getting lame. Let's get out of here.

Before Andy can say anything, she pulls him up and is walking him towards the exit. Andy looks back at his friends, who are so excited that they are high fiving and giving him the thumbs up.

EXT. BAR

ANDY and NICKY are getting into NICKY's car.

NICKY

Are you drunk?

ANDY

No, not really.

NICK

Blow into this.

NICKY holds up a rubber hose that is somehow attached to the dashboard.

ANDY

Not understanding.

...Sure, OK.

ANDY blows into the rubber tube. NICKY puts the keys in the ignition and starts the car.

NICKY

Thanks!

Off of ANDY'S confused look we cut to:

INT. CAR

NICKY is driving.

NICKY

mid-conversation

...He's like, "You are such a B-I-T-C-H,“ pardon my French, and I'm like, "Shut up, you loser." "I hate your guts." "I hate your fucking guts." Pardon my French. You know what I mean? God, I hate people who are stupid assholes. They are such assholes. You know?

ANDY

Yeah, I hate that. Ass...

NICKY

Who's your name again?

NICKY is clearly drunk.

ANDY

Andy.

NICKY

Andy, let me tell you something. Don't ever be named Dan. Because Dan is a jerk name.

ANDY

Okay.

NICKY

I am Total Cereal. Dan is a bad person name. Dan rhymes with man and men jerk off, and he was a jerk off. You know what I mean?

ANDY

I think so.

NICKY'S driving becomes increasingly erratic.

ANDY

noticeably uncomfortable

So where do you live?

NICKY

Not with jerk-o. No fuckin' way, baby. I did my time. He's someone else's problem now...Do you think I'm pretty?

She turns to ask the question and runs through a red light.

Two cars narrowly avoid a crash.

ANDY is' quickly appreciating the danger of this situation.

ANDY

reaction to near miss

Oh, God. Yes. Crap.

NICKY

Look at me. You're not looking at me. Come on. Look at my face. Do you think I am pretty?

NICKY is looking at ANDY. Her eyes don't even glance at the road. ANDY'S eyes are glued to the road, filled with abject terror.

NICKY

screaming

LOOK AT ME!

ANDY

screaming

YOU'RE PRETTY. YOU'RE SO PRETTY. I WANT TO LIVE.

NICKY

Thank you. You know if you men would just offer up a nice compliment like that every once in a while, there would be no poverty.

ANDY looks puzzled.

NICKY

You're cute. Kiss my mouth.

ANDY doesn't move

NICKY

Get over here.

NICKY forcefully pulls him to her.

ANDY is now practically sitting on NICKY'S lap. He looks down the road, she looks at him.

NICKY

I like you. You're not a jag...

She pauses to vomit a little in her mouth.

NICKY

...Off.

NICKY kisses him.

ANDY

Maybe I should drive.

NICKY

playfully

You don't know where I live.

ANDY

You could tell me.

NICKY

Hey, that's awfully forward of you.

NICKY begins tonguing ANDY'S ear.

ANDY

laughing

That tickles!

ANDY is now trying to help NICKY steer the car.

She is giggling while tonguing, he alternates between laughter and paralyzing fear as the car narrowly avoids striking pedestrians, other cars, trees etc.

Finally, NICKY looks up.

NICKY

casually

Oh, this is me.

NICKY pulls the steering wheel hard and the car does a complete 360 and comes screeching to a halt between two parked cars, in front of a nondescript apartment building.

NICKY

We're here.

NICKY looks deep into ANDY'S eyes.

NICKY

My Mom's staying over tonight, so let's just do it here.

NICKY starts to take off her shirt.

ANDY

Maybe I should be moseying home.

NICKY starts to cry. She then abruptly begins to laugh. Then she vomits on ANDY.

NICKY

I am so sorry. I think I ate some bad shellfish sandwich.

NICKY continues to take off her clothes and kiss Andy.

NICKY

Hurry up, then we can get breakfast.

ANDY is clearly repulsed and traumatized.

ANDY

I really need to get going.

We see that NICKY has vomit on her cheek.

NICKY

Ok, fine, your loss.

ANDY

I'm just gonna go, I think. Thank you. I had a really nice time.

NICKY

I'll give you a lift.

NICKY puts the car in drive and smashes into the parked car three feet in front. The second car hits a fire hydrant which then blasts water through the open window of a nearby apartment.

NICKY

Oh my God! I can't believe that I smashed my neighbor's car, and that his car ran over the fire hydrant, and that the fire hydrant ruined the inside of that apartment...not again. You have to switch places with me.

ANDY

What?

NICKY

If this goes on my record, I'll lose my licence, I won't be able to get to work, I'll lose my job.

NICKY starts to cry again.

NICKY

Please ... PLEASE! PLEASE... Mr. "Not ' Dan Guy."

In the distance, we hear sirens and see the glow of flashing lights.

NICKY

Just change seats with me. Please, "Not Dan Guy."

ANDY

I don't want to get into trouble.

NICKY

You won't "Not Dan," you won't. Do you have a record?

ANDY

No...

NICKY

Then you'll be fine, believe me, I know how this works. They'll act all serious and scary, and then they'll let you off with a warning.

beat

And don't act suspicious, there's a gun under your seat. It's my ex's.

They quickly switch seats. A POLICE OFFICER leans his head into the car.

ANDY

Good evening, Officer.

POLICE OFFICE

Everyone alright here?

NICKY

He was driving the car. He said he was fine to drive.

to Andy

Liar!

Off of Andy's shocked look we...

CUT TO:

INT. HOLDING CELL - NIGHT

The cell is small and is packed with at least thirty hardcore­ looking criminals. We hear them cursing at each other. It sounds like a gang fight is about to explode. The camera pans across the faces and finally finds Andy, looking terrified and slightly bruised.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - MORNING

Andy is in a rage as he complains to David, Jay and Cal--who can't stop laughing.

ANDY

It's not funny.

DAVID

Tf it wasn't you, you would admit it was funny.

ANDY

You know why it happened? Karma. You don't hit on drunk girls. It's not right.

CAL

It's so right.

ANDY

There's got to be a better way that works.

CAL

I haven't found it.

JAY

We didn't tell you to switch seats with her when the cops came.

ANDY

I was trying to be a gentleman.

DAVID

Why did you even let her drive in the first place?

ANDY

Because I wasn't thinking straight. You got me so rewed up about

whispers

Having sex

normal voice

That I didn't use my brain.

CAL

Sounds like you didn't use anything else. Did anything eventful happen?

ANDY

She threw up on me.

They explode with laughter.

ANDY

Keep laughing, because this is over.

JAY

Easy. No it's not. We just need a new approach.

DAVID

How about..,and I know this sounds crazy..we set him up with girls that haven't been drinking heavily?

JAY

I don't know.

ANDY

Well I do. I want to meet a nice girl. Maybe even someone I actually like. I am not an animal. I do not want to prey on people. I want to find someone who will like me for who I am.

JAY

First of all I think that's a mistake. But if that's what you want, then we are gonna have to make some changes with you. Some real changes.

MUSIC UP:

MONTAGE OF ANDY GETTING A MAKEOVER

INT. HAIR SALON - DAY

Andy is getting a haircut. When he looks at his haircut, it is meant to be short and a little European, but the coolness of the haircut makes him look silly. The guys look at it and smile. Andy looks happy with it.

INT. HAIR WAXING STATION - DAY

Andy lays on his stomach on a table. A WOMAN pours hot wax on his back, lets it dry for a moment, then RIPS it off --

leaving a huge strip of whiter-than-white skin in the middle of his hairy back.

QUICK CUTS

*She strips off several more hunks of hair from his back and chest.

*We see tears of pain coming down Andy's face. This could not hurt more.

*Finally Andy, red faced and miserable, stops her as she is about to pull off a huge strip.

He gets up and starts putting on his shirt. Only two thirds of his body hair has been removed, and he looks insane.

INT. CHESS KING MEN'S STORE - DAY

Andy comes out of the dressing room wearing a Eurotrash shirt. The guys like it. He is a new man.

CUT TO:

EXT. MINI MALL - DAY

Jay, Andy and David are walking to get coffees.

JAY

You look good.

DAVID

Better than good. Oddly good.

JAY

Now you need to learn how to talk to women.

ANDY

I get nervous and I lock up. I never know what to say.

JAY

The key is, you don't say anything. Make them talk.

ANDY

How do you do that?

JAY

Just ask them questions. Girls love talking. Let them.

ANDY

What if they ask me a question?

JAY

Then answer their question with a question.

DAVID

It makes you seem mysterious. You talk too much about yourself, you look needy. Put them on the spot.

They walk by Brentano's book store. There is a pretty BLONDE in her mid-twenties putting books on a shelf.

JAY

Go give it a test run.

Andy hesitates. David pushes him. Andy relents.

INT. BRENTANO'S - CONT.

Andy walks inside and approaches the blonde woman. He looks at her .badge, which says BETH on it.

She turns and sees Andy. He acts very confident.

BETH

Can I help you?

ANDY

I don't know. Can you?

She smiles.

BETH

Are you looking for something?

ANDY

Is there something I should be looking for?

She is instantly on the spot. For the first time, he actually has the upper hand.

BETH

We got a lot of great new books in. ■ It depends on what you like?

ANDY

What do you like?

BETH

Me? I don't know.

ANDY

Do you know?

BETH

To tell you the truth, I don't read much. So I can recommend a book, but I would just be...bullshitting.

ANDY

Thanks for not bullshitting me...?

BETH

Beth. And what's your name?

ANDY

It's Andrew.

BETH

Don’t tell on me, Andrew.

ANDY

I won't. Unless you want to be told on?

She smiles. He walks out, cock of the walk. His friends, who have been listening, walk out after him.

EXT. MINI MALL - MOMENTS LATER

JAY

That was incredible.

ANDY

It felt good, not having to talk much.

DAVID

That's the key. Make them feel weird so you don't have to.

JAY

You like her?

ANDY

Yeah, but...she can't be the one.

DAVID

Why not?

ANDY

‘Cause it will be bad with the first one. What if I want to,..make her my girlfriend? She won't do that if it's... terrible.

JAY

Now he wants a girlfriend? I like this. We're making some progress.

INT. ANDY'S HOME ~ DUSK

Andy is cleaning up the already clean apartment when the doorbell rings. He answers it. It is David.

ANDY

Hey. How did you know where I lived?

DAVID

It's on the staff list at work. What, you're not going to invite me in?

Andy lets David in. David is carrying a plastic bag.

DAVID

I just came by because I was thinking, it seems like you have kind of shut yourself down...sexually speaking, and I wanted to help you open yourself up again.

ANDY

I don't know. I am not into that.

DAVID

What? No. Are you serious?

ANDY

What?

DAVID

What did you mean?

ANDY

Nothing.

DAVID

I just brought some movies and stuff over that I thought would help you...re-energize that side of yourself.

CUT TO:

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - DUSK

They are watching TV. They both sit on the couch, but at far opposite sides.

ON THE TV

The dirty scene from The Blue Lagoon.

DAVID

This is good, huh?

Andy looks really uncomfortable.

CUT TO:

ON THE TV

The Brittany Spears "Slave" video.

The Christina Aguilera "Dirty" video.

Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone have sex in 'Basic Instinct.'

Michael Douglas and Glenn Close have sex in 'Fatal Attraction.'

Michael Douglas and Demi Moore have sex in 'Disclosure.'

ANGLE ON ANDY AND DAVID

DAVID

This has got to be working for you. Do you feel the animal in you coming back to life? Is the bear waking up from his hibernation?

Andy can't handle it anymore. He takes the tape out and hands it to Andy.

ANDY

I think you should go now. I am getting very uncomfortable.

DAVID

Don't act like I am the weird one. This is how God created us. To be horny. You are denying his wishes.

ANDY

I am not denying anything, I just think you should go now.

DAVID

Andy, you are 'like all of these action figures you collect.

He pulls a GI Joe off of the wall. It is in its original box.

DAVID

You are all sealed up, in the original packaging. You've never let your true self out.

David opens up the box. Andy squeals.

ANDY

You are not supposed to open that.

DAVID

Yes you are, so you can play with it.

David pulls GI Joe's pants down, revealing a smooth flat crotch area.

DAVID

Don't wind up like Joe here. You stay in the box too long and your dick falls off.

ANDY

He never had a dick!

David exits.

DAVID

You did. Once. What happened?

Andy closes the door on him. He paces around his house.

FLASHBACK

We see Andy as a TEENAGER. He lays on a bed as a gorgeous young GIRL takes her top off and then jumps on him.

GIRL

I can't believe you haven't done this yet. You are gonna love it.

She stops and suddenly looks disappointed and a little annoyed.

GIRL

Jesus Andy, what's the matter with you?

ANDY

Nothing, I just got excited. Wait, it'll happen again.

GIRL

Not with me. I am not gonna have sex with someone who is done before I take my shirt off.

ANDY

I'm sorry.

VI XTCJJ

You should be. I was gonna fuck your brains out.

PRESENT DAY

Andy paces around. He realizes that David left some of his tapes there. He puts one in.

ON THE TV

The film 9 1/2 Weeks.

ANGLE ON ANDY

It is clear what he is about to do.

ANGLE ON THE TV

The sex scene with all the food plays out.

CLOSE UP OF ANDY'S FACE

He smiles, totally relaxed and relieved.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

David is knocking on Andy's door. The door opens and Andy is standing there looking like he just had the greatest orgasm of his life. His face looks completely relaxed, he walks as if he has no energy left in his body.

DAVID

looks at him

My God, I have been gone for one minute. I just got to my car and realized I forgot some of my movies.

ANDY

I'll get them for you.

DAVID

No. You can keep them.

ANDY

I'm sorry.

DAVID

Nothing to be sorry about. Mission accomplished. You are alive!!!

EXT. ALL STAR SPORTS BAR - PARKING LOT

Andy, Jay, Cal and David are walking from their cars to the restaurant. There is a huge banner hanging on the building which says, "WELCOME SPEED DATERS."

ANDY

Speed dating? I don't know.

JAY

It's just like regular dating, but you eliminate all of the fat. The talking and the waiting for the lights to come on to see if she's good looking.

DAVID

You get two minutes with each girl. You meet twenty girls in forty five minutes. It would take you a year to meet that many women.

CAL

More like a decade.

He laughs and lifts his hand for a high five. Nobody high fives him.

CAL

That wasn't so bad.

ANDY

I'm scared. I don't do well under pressure.

JAY

Just do what I told you to do. Ask them questions. Put them on the spot.

JAY

You have a better chance of getting them to like you if they are feeling awkward and insecure about themselves.

CAL

All I need is for one girl in twenty to dig me. I can work with these odds.

DAVID

When it's over you tell them which girls you like, they tell you if any of those girls want to get to know you better. And if there are any matches you guys exchange phone numbers. Or emails. I'm not sure.

ANDY

Do you think this will work?

DAVID

Any girl who does this must be desperate, so we are in luck.

ANDY

to Jay

Don't you have a girlfriend?

JAY

Not today.

INT. ALL STAR SPORTS BAR - MOMENTS LATER

All of our guys are sitting at different tables. There are twenty tables and a man and a woman sit at each table.

A BUZZER GOES OFF

ON ANDY'S TABLE

Andy is talking to a BITTER WOMAN.

ANDY

Hi, my name is Andy. What's your name?

BITTER WOMAN

My last boyfriend was a cheating asshole. I hope you're not like that.

ANDY

I don't think I am.

BITTER WOMAN

I am just sick of the bullshit.

ANDY

I'm sick of the bullshit.

BITTER WOMAN

Fucking men.

ANDY

You are preaching to the converted.

BUZZER GOES OFF

All of the people move one table over, switching partners.

Andy looks over to his friends, terrified.

CAL

to Andy

Isn't this awesome?!

ANDY

No!

ON JAY'S TABLE

Jay talks to a gorgeous BORING GIRL.

BORING GIRL

But I don't see myself as a model, I am much more creative than that. But I like to travel and it gives me time to focus on my writing. I am writing a book about modeling.

Jay stares at her body.

JAY

You are fascinating.

She smiles.

BUZZER

ON CAL'S TABLE

Cal is talking to an unattractive FIFTY YEAR OLD WOMAN who looks like a butch lesbian. Me looks miserable.

BUTCH LESBIAN

So I said to myself, maybe I do like guys. How will I know if I don't ever give it a shot? Maybe it's not as gross as I thought it was.

BUZZER

ON DAVID'S TABLE

David is talking to a BLACK WOMAN. For some reason he is talking like a gangster.

DAVID

like a Wigger

And I don't play that shit, dog. I'm all about the benjamins. Treating my woman real good. Giving her the sweet bling bling. I don't mess with no ho's either. No bitches for this player. I love ladies with a capitol Lizz-el. What up with you?

When the black woman replies she speaks in a normal, educated fashion.

BLACK WOMAN

Well, I see what you are saying, and I appreciate your candor, but I have one question. What the fuck are you talking about?!

BUZZER

ON CAL'S TABLE

Cal is talking to a VERY YOUNG WOMAN. They are getting along great.

CAL

You are so sweet. We should go out some time.

VERY YOUNG GIRL

I would love to, but not on a school night. This is my junior year of high school and I need to keep my grades up if I want to get into a good college.

CAL

How old are you?

VERY YOUNG GIRL

Sixteen,

whispers

I snuck in here, but don't tell anyone.

Cal thinks for a beat, then reluctantly gets up and gets one of the people running the event,

CAL

I'm sorry, but this young lady should go. She's sixteen.

VERY YOUNG GIRL

What?!! What are you, a faggot?!

She storms out. Cal looks bummed.

BUZZER

ON ANDY'S TABLES

Andy is talking to a woman with tons of scary looking TATTOOS.

ANDY

I find tattoos to be beautiful. I like art.

TATTOO WOMAN

I guess you could say I am addicted. Guys like to kiss me, but they get really into kissing Satan.

She reveals a tattoo of the devil on her upper chest.

CUT TO

QUICK CUTS of Andy's short dates. Each one cut off by the buzzer. There are transition shots of him changing tables.

GIRL

Do you like oral sex?

ANDY

By oral do you mean...phone sex?

Buzzer.

ANDY

I guess I love Jesus. I don't not love him.

Buzzer.

ANDY

I think I am kind. I am not mean. Oh, you want me to be mean?

Buzzer.

ANDY

I think marijuana is fine. If you like it. I am not a regular smoker. I smoked it two times, about eleven years ago. Actually someone forced me to smoke it. By force.

Buzzer.

ANDY

No, I have not had sex with two girls at the same time. Not two.

Buzzer.

ANDY

I don't care if you have been to prison. As long as you learned your lesson.

Buzzer.

ANDY

I like to cuddle. I think.

Buzzer.

ANDY

I went to college. Jr. college. I did not get a degree. There were no degrees. Actually it was a technical college. Technically it was an arts and crafts class at summer camp.

Buzzer.

ANDY

I never cheat on women. I am quite monogamous. To myself even.

Buzzer.

ANDY

Do I think I could love you? It's hard to know now...

Buzzer.

ANDY

Do I snore? I don't know. How would you know?

Buzzer,

ANDY

I like riding bikes. I ride my bike to work.

beat

I don't have a car.

The woman gets up and leaves.

ANDY

genuinely concerned

Are you okay?

Buzzer.

ANDY

How much do I have in the bank? Are you allowed to ask me that? □k, eleven thousand dollars.

Buzzer.

ANDY

Do I think women should work? If they want to. You don't want to work? Ever?

Buzzer.

ANDY

I don't hit people, even if they do like it. I would feel weird about that. But I am not judging.

Buzzer.

ON DAVID'S TABLE

David sits down at a table and sees his ex girlfriend, AMY.

She looks pissed.

DAVID

I am just here to help out a friend.

AMY

Bullshit. You are so gross’ I am so glad I broke up with you.

DAVID

I'm gross?! You're here. You're gross.

AMY

I am not here to get laid. I am here to find a nice man.

DAVID

At speed dating?!

AMY

This just makes me realize I made the right decision.

DAVID

And I made the right decision accepting your decision. Skank.

AMY

Pinky dick.

The buzzer goes off. They switch tables. Suddenly Amy is sitting across from Andy. She looks enraged.

ANDY

sensing danger

Hi, I'm Andy.

beat

I'm gonna be quiet now.

The buzzer goes off and they walk off.

EXT. PARKING LOT

The guys are walking to their cars, going over their scorecards.

JAY

At least four I think would do me right now.

CAL

Which four?

DAVID

That was a good group. Eleven had big boobs. Four had good boobs. And five had small boobs. Overall, a nice turnout. What did you think, Andy?

Andy can barely talk he is so flustered from this experience.

DAVID

Andy, are you okay?

ANDY

That was...too much. Too fast. Very fast. Didn't like. I'm gonna go home.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - DAY

Jay walks over to Andy.

JAY

Come out to the floor.

Andy walks out on the floor. Cal and David are-there. Also standing there is the FLOOR MANAGER, PAUL.

PAUL

Andy, I am short a man today, so I need you to be a salesman this afternoon.

ANDY

What? I am not a salesman.

PAUL

Nobody knows the equipment like you. I have been thinking about it, and I think your destiny is on the floor.

The Indian salesman, Aboojay, walks over.

ABOOJAY

What?!! We need no salesman. I sell. This is bullshit.

PAUL

This is not bullshit. And I recommend you show some respect or you will be selling...something else... somewhere else.

ANDY

He's right. I haven't earned the right.

PAUL

What are you talking about? You have worked here longer than me. Longer than anyone. It would be fair if you were my boss.

ANDY

Thank you, but no thank you.

PAUL

gets annoyed

Andy, I am trying to get you laid. The guys said you needed to get women. There is no better singles bar than that floor. It is a chick magnet. So accept my kind invitation before I rescind it.

ANDY

Thank you.

PAUL

Enjoy.

Paul walks away.

ANDY

Guys. I appreciate you doing this, but I have to admit, I am really scared. I am not good at talking with women. It was hard enough when they were drunk. And that didn't even turn out well.

DAVID

Come on. Fear the fear and do it anyway.

ANDY

You are right.

JAY

The floor is hopping. Look, we've got a gorgeous young blonde at nine o'clock. A red head at twelve. And a brunette goth hotty at three. Take your pick.

ABOOJAY

This is wrong. Very wrong.

CAL

Come on, he needs to be with a woman.

ABOOJAY

I don't care about that. Just don't fuck with my customers. My customers are my customers, not your customers. You fuck with them, I fuck with you.

Jay pushes him away as if he is five years old.

JAY

Aboojay, get the fuck out of here. Go have a hamburger.

to Andy

Ready.

Andy takes a deep breath, nods and heads out onto the floor.

He sees the GORGEOUS BLONDE. He walks toward her with a look of determination. As he gets within five feet he starts walking faster, turns a corner and walks up to an OLD MAN.

ANDY

to the old man

Good afternoon. And how may I help you?

OLD MAN

I am looking for a TV.

ANDY

Well, you are talking to the right guy.

Jay, David and Cal watch with disappointment.

DAVID

When he's done with him we'll get him to talk to a girl.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - AN HOUR LATER

Andy is talking to the old man, only now he has several boxes in front of him. Equipment Andy has sold him.

CAL

He's been working that guy for an hour.

DAVID

He filibustering so he doesn't have to talk to a girl.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - ANOTHER HOUR LATER

Andy is walking with the old man to the stock room where Andy takes his ticket.

ANDY

This man is getting a DVD player, VCR, Tivo, surround sound speakers and a flat screen television with high definition capabilities.

OLD MAN

Thank you, young man. You are the best salesman I have ever met. You were such a help.

ANDY

You're sure you don't need anything else? Possibly a car stereo.

OLD MAN

Not today. But thank you. I'll be back.

The old man walks off. Andy looks relieved. Right . then a very pretty forty five year old WOMAN walks up to hint

WOMAN

Excuse me, can you help me?

Andy is flummoxed.

ANDY

Help? You? Uhm. I was about to take my break.

WOMAN

It won't take long.

ANDY

Okay.

TRISH

Hi, I'm Trish.

ANDY

Andy...is my name.

CUT TO:

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - LATER

Andy is nervously helping Trish.

ANDY

You don't want this VCR.

TRISH

Really? I heard this was the best one.

ANDY

It's not, really. VCR technology is very simple. Basically, no- VCR is that much better than another VCR. The expensive ones don't give you a better picture, they just look cooler, and have more buttons which you would never use.

Andy points out a standard looking VCR.

ANDY

This one has the features you need and it is a third less than the cool-looking one. Unless you really want a cool-looking one. Then you should get this one. 'Cause it does look cool. It's black. Has a lot of lights.

TRISH

Looks are not a factor.

ANDY

Great. Then we have found what you need.

The old man that Andy was helping previously walks over to Andy.

OLID MAN

Excuse me. Is there anyone who can help me set up what I bought?

OLD MAN

I am not very technically minded. And quite frankly, I can barely see my own hand.

ANDY

Where do you live?

OLD MAN

Right down the street on Moorepark.

ANDY

I can swing by on my way home from work and set it all up if you like.

OLD MAN

How much would that cost me?

ANDY

Nothing, It would be my pleasure. I would enjoy it.

OLD MAN

That's very kind of you.

ANDY

You're doing me the favor. I like hooking up TVs and stereos. It's like solving a big puzzle.

OLD MAN

Thank you. Maybe I could bring in something for you to eat.

ANDY

And maybe I will gladly eat it. Just give your address to the man at the stock room.

The old man walks off. Trish looks at Andy. Andy looks at Trish. She stares at him for a moment, trying to figure him out. She likes something about him. As she figures out what to do about it, Andy gets nervous.

ANDY

Well, have a good day.

TRISH

Andy. It's Andy, right?

ANDY

Last time I checked.

nervous laugh

TRISH

Do you want to go out some time?

ANDY

swallows

Excuse me?

TRISH

I don't mean to be forward. I'm sorry.

ANDY

No. Don't be sorry.

TRISH

I just...I don't know, I thought it might be fun. You seem like a good guy.

ANDY

I would love to. That seems like something I would like, and...yeah. In fact, I was just about to ask you.

TRISH

I beat you to it.

ANDY

nervous laughter

Yes you did.

TRISH

Great. This'll be fun. And don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to set up my VCR.

ANDY

I would do it.

TRISH

I was joking.

ANDY

Oh. Okay.

not getting it

But I would do it.

They smile at each other.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY

Andy is telling David and Jay what happened.

DAVID

See, I told you this was the move.

JAY

Who's the girl?

Andy points to Trish who is paying for her VCR.

JAY

Her. Oh man, you hit the jackpot. She is a waitress next store. I went out with her two years ago, and she is ready to go.

ANDY

Now I don't want to go out with her.

JAY

I didn't do anything. We just had one kiss.

ANDY

Oh, okay.

When Andy looks the other way Jay gestures with his hips that he had sex with Trish. When Andy turns back he stops.

JAY

Good for you, man. This is good.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Andy and Trish are eating dinner.

TRISH

That's so funny that we work in the same mini mall and we have never seen each other.

ANDY

I've seen you. I eat at the restaurant you work at on Monday's.

TRISH

Really? Every Monday?

ANDY

Yeah. I would eat there more, I just don't want to get sick of it.

TRISH

Have I ever waited on you?

ANDY

Maybe a couple of times.

It is clearly way more than a couple of times.

TRISH

How long have you worked at Circuit City?

ANDY

Nine years.

TRISH

Wow. Do you like it?

ANDY

Not really. But it's a good job.

TRISH

What would you like to be doing?

ANDY

I have a collection of antique toys. I would like to open a store that sells those kinds of things. Maybe some comic books. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it.

TRISH

Sure you will. You could do anything.

ANDY

That's nice of you to say. What about you?

TRISH

I want to work at that restaurant for the rest of my life. I have no goals or dreams. They've all been drained out of me.

ANDY

That's not true.

TRISH

I just want to be happy. I don't care what I do, I just don't want it to be too hard. Less hours. I guess what I am saying is I want to retire.

Andy laughs.

TRISH

sweetly

What is with you?

ANDY

What?

TRISH

There is something about you. I can't tell what it is.

ANDY

Is it bad?

TRISH

I think it's good. But I don't know. Are you for real?

ANDY

I'm real.

TRISH

Good.

CUT TO:

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - DAY

Andy and Trish walk in the apartment.

TRISH

Can I get you a cocktail?

ANDY

Sure. Do you have orange soda? It's okay if you don't. Most people don't buy orange soda on a regular basis. I don't know why. It's really good.

Out of the blue, she kisses him hard on the mouth. The kiss lasts a long time. At first he doesn't know what to do, but after about ten seconds, he actually participates.

When she stops kissing and looks at him, he could not be redder. He is stunned, but there is happiness in there.

TRISH

Let's go in the other room.

INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Trish jumps under the covers. She pulls off her shirt then reaches under the sheets and removes her pants and underwear.

TRISH

Come on.

ANDY

Oh. Okay.

Andy gets under the covers with all his clothes on and kisses Trish, who is now completely nude. He seems to be getting the hang of it. There is a lot of pent-up energy there.

TRISH

Wow, you really like kissing.

ANDY

I do.

TRISH

Take off your clothes.

ANDY

Really?

TRISH

Is this too fast? I never do this.

ANDY

No.

Andy takes his pants off, but strangely, leaves on his shirt.

Probably to cover his bad wax job.

Trish shuts the lights. They kiss passionately. She takes off his shirt.

TRISH

Do you have protection?

ANDY

I don't like guns.

She laughs.

TRISH

You have a silly sense of humor. Don't worry, I think I have something.

She reaches into the drawer in the end table and pulls out a small whicker basket filled with condoms. She clearly has sex often enough to need this basket. Andy does not pick up on this.

TRISH

Put one of these on.

Andy stares at the basket, not sure what to do. He has never worn a condom. He slowly takes one out. He reaches under the sheets, and we can't see what he is doing but it is obvious that he is tearing the wrapper open and attempting to put the condom on.

Something goes wrong. He struggles.

ANDY

It tore. I need another one.

He grabs another one. The same thing happens. For reasons which are not clear, he can not figure out how to get this condom on properly.

Andy attempts this many more times. In quick cuts we see him struggle with at least a dozen condoms as he gets more and more frustrated with this process. Each time he fails, he tosses the condom and the wrapper on the floor next to him.

Finally he gets one on.

ANDY

There you go. Sorry about that. I always have trouble with those things. I haven't used 'em much.

beat

My last girlfriend took pills.

TRISH

I'm sure it will be worth the wait.

Now they go at it more passionately. It seems like it is going to happen when-~

THE DOOR OPENS - THE LIGHTS GO ON

MARLA

What is going on in here?I

We reveal Trish's sixteen year old daughter, MARLA. Standing next to her is her boyfriend MARK.

TRISH

What are you doing?

ANGLE ON

A stack of condoms and torn wrappers.

ANGLE ON MARLA - STARING AT THEM

MARLA

What are you doing? I can't believe you are allowed to have sex but I'm not I That is sooo unfair!!!

She slams the door and exits.

ANDY

I should go.

TRISH

No, it's okay. I just need to talk to her.

ANDY

No, I should.

He kisses her then quickly gets out of bed and begins putting his clothes on. We see his insanely bad wax job has left random strips of hair on his body. He puts his clothes on and exits.

TRISH

I'm sorry.

ANDY

Don't be.

He runs out. Traumatized again.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Andy rides his bike to work. He looks confused and consumed.

Everywhere he looks he sees sexual images; billboards, people walking down the street, etc.

He drives into the parking lot of the mini mall where Circuit City is located. As he is locking his bike, he sees Beth, the girl from the bookstore, walking from her car to work.

BETH

Good morning.

Andy thinks. He remembers what he is supposed to do with her. Ask questions.

ANDY

after a beat

Is it a good morning?

BETH

I hope it is.

ANDY

Hmmm.

BETH

Some days I am just not in the mood to work.

ANDY

What are you in the mood to do?

BETH

flummoxed

Oh, I don't know...

ANDY

You don't know? Or do you know?

She thinks he is being sexy, but he has no idea what he is saying.

BETH

You're bad.

ANDY

Are you bad?

Andy walks off. She looks like she is about to have an orgasm. As she walks toward the bookstore where she works she almost trips.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - DAY

Andy is selling a stereo to an UNATTRACTIVE MAN. There are pretty girls in the store, but Andy has let the other salesmen handle them. Jay walks over to Andy.

JAY

Don't worry about what happened last night.

JAY{CONT’D)

Tonight I am having a party at the Holiday Inn. Room 313. It's gonna be earth-shattering. Be there. Are you free?

ANDY

I think so.

JAY

I was kidding. I know you're free.

Jay walks off.

EXT. HOLIDAY INN - NIGHT

Andy rides his bike up to the front of the hotel.

INT. HOLIDAY INN HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Andy walks down the hallway looking for the room. When he finds it, the door is cracked open. He enters.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Andy looks around the suite. There is nobody in sight.

ANDY

Hello.

He turns to leave. A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN comes out of the bedroom.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

Hello.

ANDY

Are you here for Jay's party?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

Yes.

ANDY

Where is everybody? Are we early?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

No, we're right on time.

ANDY

Then everyone is late. That's not very polite.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

Come sit down.

Andy sits on the couch. She sits down right next to him.

Andy does not know what to make of this.

ANDY

So where do you know Jay from?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

We just met the other night. You're handsome.

ANDY

Thank you. You're pretty.

She puts her hand on his knee.

ANDY

What's going on?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

The party is getting started.

ANDY

Nobody else is coming?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

I'm all the party you need.

ANDY

Oh my God.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

Don't be nervous. I'll take good care of you.

ANDY

Are you a...prostitute?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

I'm whoever you want me to be. I can be a prostitute, or I can be that sweet innocent girl you had a crush on in high school. You know, the cute one who never looked at you but now she realizes she made a mistake and wants to make up for it by sucking your cock.

Andy backs away to the other side of the couch. She follows him.

ANDY

Oh God. Did Jay do this?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

They're good friends. They just want you to have a good time. Don't worry, I've been with virgins before. It's okay that you know nothing, because at the end of tonight you are going to know everything. You're gonna do everything. Nothing is off limits. They paid extra for that.

ANDY

How much are they paying you?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

Five hundred for two hours.

ANDY

I will give you six hundred dollars to leave now. Or we can find someone else that you can have sex with. I'm sure we can find someone to use that credit on.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

You don't have to have sex with me. I've been paid. If you want I can just go home now. No skin off my apple.

ANDY

feels bad

No, no, no. I'm sorry. I've insulted you. Maybe I'll want to have sex. Let's just slow down. Maybe there is something else we can do for a minute.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

They are laying on the bed watching "Lord Of The Rings" on pay per view.

ANDY

This is better. This way we can watch the movie.

ANDY

Get to know each other a little, then maybe we can do something.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

How long is this movie? I only have two hours.

ANDY

It's three and a half hours.

The prostitute know what this means, and relaxes. There will be no sex tonight. She starts watching the movie.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

Who's that guy?

ANDY

more relaxed

That's the hero of the story. He doesn't know it, but it's his responsibility to save the world.

They start watching the movie.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - THREE AND A HALF HOURS LATER

The prostitute is asleep. The credits are rolling on the TV.

Andy gets off the bed and looks at her. She looks sweet when she is asleep. He gently kisses her on the cheek, looks at her again, then walks out the door.

CUT TO:

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - NEXT MORNING

Andy is talking to Jay, David and Cal.

CAL

And then what did you do to her?

ANDY

I was like, if this is paid for then I am gonna get my money's worth!

DAVID

That's my man!

ANDY

So I took her from the front. I took her from the back. I took her from the side.

JAY

You did the side.

ANDY

Both sides! She was screaming. She was like, "I want to have more sex with you. Let's continue to do this dirty sex."

CAL

How was her ass?

ANDY

It was so... perfectly in proportion. And when I took off her panties ... they were all filled with baby powder and--

JAY

Oh Goddammitt 1 Nothing happened!

ANDY

I did her. Did her...big time did her.

CAL

That cost us five hundred bucks.

DAVID

Shut up, you kicked in twenty bucks.

CAL

Sorry if I'm not as rich as you.

JAY

This is bullshit. I give up. There's no helping you.

ANDY

Buying a streetwalker is not helping me. I told you I wanted to meet a nice girl. Someone I might even like. I am not a pig like you guys.

JAY

No, you are certainly not. You are pure as the driven snow, and you plan on staying that way.

DAVID

Lay off, Jay.

JAY

No, I tried to do him a favor. You know how hard it was to find her. Someone I thought he might like. That took work. And does he appreciate it? No.

CAL

Does she owe us one? I mean she took the money.

DAVID

No.

CAL

Shit.

ANDY

I'd appreciate it if you took your nose out of my business!

Beth is walking outside of the store with a FRIEND from work.

She sees the guys arguing, but does not hear the words. From her point of view it looks like Andy is bossing them around, and she finds it very attractive.

ANDY

I may be a virgin, but you're the ones who need to grow up! Life isn't about sex, it's about being a good person. And I would rather treat people well than stick my wiener in 'em. And I say that proudly. And if you don't like it,' then I'll get some new friends. That is if I ever really was your friend.

A FEMALE CUSTOMER walks Up.

FEMALE CUSTOMER

Can anyone help me?

ANDY

I'd be glad to.

Andy walks off. The guys look depressed. Outside the store Beth turns to her friend.

BETH

That guy is so hot. I could eat him up.

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

Andy walks in, pets his cat, then checks his messages.

ANSWERING MACHINE

Hi, this is Trish. I hope you don't mind me calling you. Your friends at work gave me your number. I feel bad about what happened the other night and wondered if you would let me make it up to you.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Andy and Trish are having dinner.

TRISH

I am sorry I didn't tell you I had kids.

ANDY

Why didn't you tell me?

TRISH

Most guys don't want to go out with a "mother."

ANDY

Why not?

TRISH

Are you serious?

ANDY

Yeah.

TRISH

Then I won't tell you. No need to put ideas in your head.

ANDY

How many kids do you have?

TRISH

pause

Two.

ANDY

How old are they?

TRISH

Six, twelve and...twenty six.

ANDY

That's three.

TRISH

Oh. Is it?

They laugh.

ANDY

You must have been really young why you had the twenty six year old.

TRISH

Why do you say that?

ANDY

Because you are so young now.

TRISH

Are you full of shit or is this real?

ANDY

Why do you keep saying that?

TRISH

kind of kidding

Because if you're for real, I'm gonna fall in love with you.

Andy blushes.

TRISH

I'm sorry. I'm just goofing with you.

ANDY

I know.

It is clear she is not goofing.

70 .

TRISH

I was thinking, if we go out any more, that we shouldn't have sex.

ANDY

Uh-huh.

TRISH

I just think it complicates things too much, and then you never get to really know someone because that is always confusing things.

ANDY

It's very confusing.

TRISH

Does that bother you?

ANDY

Hmmm. Let me think about that. I see what you are saying. Obviously I want to

whispers

Do it.

normal voice

But I can see your point. If we don't have sex, we can really get to know each other.

TRISH

And if that works out, then we can have sex. Like really have sex.

They laugh.

ANDY

Just tons and tons of sex.

They both laugh. Andy could not be more relieved to have the pressure taken away.

TRISH

charmed

You're doing it again.

ANDY

What?

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT ~ LATER

Andy and Trish are watching television. Her daughter, Marla, comes inside with Trish's six year-old daughter JULIA.

MARLA

covers eyes

Is it safe to come in or are you doing it?

TRISH

It's safe. Marla, Julia. This is Andy.

MARLA

uninterested

Hello.

Julia nods shyly.

ANDY

Hi.

MARLA

We came home because we got bored and couldn't think of anything else to do.

JULIA

Can we watch TV?

TRISH

No. You've watched enough television for today. Why don't you guys read?

MARLA

I am so sick of reading. That's all we do all day at school.

ANDY

Hey. Let me show you something. Do you have a quarter?

Marla digs out a quarter. Andy puts it in his palm and shows the two of them. Then he closes his palm and opens it. It i s gone.

MARLA

You're not doing magic, are you?

JULIA

I love magic. Where did it go?

Andy puts his hands out again, opens them and it is back.

Then he puts it in one palm, closes it, and it is two quarters. -Julia squeals with delight.

JULIA

How did you do that?

ANDY

I don't know, it's, uh...magic.

Andy closes his hand, opens it and they are gone, then opens the other hand and there are three quarters. Then he closes his hands, opens them, and the quarters are gone but the other hand has a dollar bill in it.

JULIA

That's crazy. How did you learn how to do that?

ANDY

I have a lot of free time.

Trish smiles. He is great with her kids.

JULIA

Can you show me how to do it?

ANDY

The magicians code says I am not allowed to say how tricks are performed.

Julia frowns.

ANDY

But who cares about magicians? They're creepy anyway. If they get mad, I'll punch them in the nose.

Julia laughs and Andy starts showing her how to do the trick.

Marla can't help but like him. Trish beams.

EXT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Andy is saying goodnight to Marla.

TRISH

Aren't you glad we didn't do it?

ANDY

So glad. Let's never do it.

She laughs.

TRISH

Okay.

ANDY

Do you want to go out again?

TRISH

Uh...

quickly

YES.

ANDY

Like in, I don't know, fifteen minutes?

TRISH

Or tomorrow.

ANDY

Tomorrow it is.

Andy leans in, and for the first time in the film, he is the instigator of a kiss. It is short but sweet and heartfelt.

Andy walks off. He looks happy.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT

Andy drives his bike home. He can not wipe the smile from his face. He occasionally giggles.

CUT TO:

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - DAY

Andy is talking with David, Jay and Cal by the water cooler.

JAY

This is a huge mistake.

ANDY

Why?

JAY

She has three kids.

ANDY

So?

CAL

At least we know she's had sex.

DAVID

At least three times.

They laugh.

ANDY

I don't care. I like her.

JAY

What about Beth from the bookstore?

ANDY

I don't know. I want to see what happens with Trish. I am only one man. I can't go out with everyone.

DAVID

I love this guy. He's already got more women than he can handle.

JAY

I don't mean to ruin this for you, but I had sex with her. On a first date.

Andy stares angrily at him.

ANDY

So? What is that supposed to make me not like her--because she made one terrible mistake?

David and Cal crack up.

CAL

Oooohl Andy is burning you.

The store manager, Paul, walks over.

PAUL

Andy, I just got back the numbers from the last few weeks. You are our number one salesman by far.

ANDY

Really? That's great. Well, I've been having a great time.

PAUL

Maybe you will have an even better time now that I have made you the floor manager.

ANDY

Me?

PAUL

That's right. Now all these jackasses are working under you. Enjoy.

ANDY

Thank you.

Paul exits.

ANDY

looks at them

Well, what are you sitting around for? Get out there and make some sales.

Jay glares at him. David and Cal smile. Punjab walks by them.

PUNJAB

This the bullshit of all bullshits.

ANDY

No backtalk or you're gonna be gone...

nervous

My friend.

PUNJAB

I am sorry...sir.

Punjab heads out onto the floor. Andy is feeling good.

JAY

You're getting in too deep.

ANDY

You have no idea what you are talking about.

CUT TO:

IN TOO DEEP MONTAGE

EXT. STREET - DAY

Andy rides his bike with Trish. They are having a blast.

INT. TRISH'S KITCHEN - DAY

Andy makes the family homemade ice cream. They are all eating it out of the ice cream maker, happily.

We meet Kim, Trish's twenty six year-old daughter.

ANDY

I can't believe you are her daughter. You look like sisters.

KIM

One of us should be insulted. I think it's me.

ANDY

I didn't mean...

KIM

No, I'm kidding. My mom is gorgeous!

Trish hugs Kim. They are very close.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Andy is riding a huge grown up tricycle with Trish's six year-old daughter, Julia. She likes Andy.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Andy is showing Trish's kids some collectible action figures.

We see him hesitate, then take a scissor and open up the never before opened boxes they are housed in. He hands one to each of them.

EXT. MOUNTAIN TRAILS - DAY

Andy is riding mountain bikes with Trish's sixteen year-old daughter Marla. She is impressed by how good he is at the sport.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Andy and Trish are kissing.

TRISH

I love kissing you because you are so in the moment. It's like you enjoy it so much, you don't want to do anything else.

ANDY

I don't.

TRISH

You are so sweet.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Andy, Trish, Julia, Marla and Kim are riding down the street.

ANDY

Let's race!

They all ride directly at camera as fast as they can. Andy is the winner.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - DAY

Jay looks upset as he speaks to an ANNOYING MALE CUSTOMER.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER

If I buy it, will you throw in a CD carrying case?

JAY

Uh...okay, fine. So, I will write this up for you and--

ANNOYING CUSTOMER

Hold on. I think I'm gonna need you to throw in an extended warranty. On the house.

JAY

I can't do that.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER

Then I am going to have to take my business elsewhere.

JAY

Fine. Beat it.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER

Okay, I will take it.

JAY

Now you can't have it. Any of it. Sorry.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER

What? That's not fair.

JAY

Oh yeah. Well life isn't fair. I just added a hundred dollars to the price. I can do anything.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER

You're an asshole.

JAY

Now the stereo costs ten thousand dollars. Will that be Visa or American Express?

ANDY

Is there a problem here?

CUSTOMER

Yeah. This jack off is trying to charge me ten thousand dollars for this stereo.

ANDY

Is that true?

JAY

Yes it is. Actually not. It's a million dollars. Not fair huh? Life can be like that.

ANNOYING CUSTOMER

Fuck this.

JAY

No, fuck you. You can't always get what you want. Next time you won't think you get to make the rules because in this house I make the rules, bitch!

Andy walks Jay into the stock room.

INT. STOCK ROOM - DAY

ANDY

What's going on?

JAY

Jill broke up with me.

ANDY

I'm so sorry. What happened?

JAY

She just lost her mind.

He starts crying.

JAY

It's so unfair.

ANDY

I'm so sorry.

JAY

She caught me with this girl and she lost her mind. It wasn't that big a deal. It's so unfair. To throw out six years over some skank.

Cal walks in. Jay instantly acts like he is not crying, even though’there are tears pouring out of his eyes.

JAY

I just think that we should be pushing the Bose speakers more because they are clearly of a higher quality.

Cal realizes something is wrong and exits.

JAY

{the moment Cal is gone)

Oh, fuck me, fuck me! Now I know why people kill themselves. I really understand.

ANDY

Well maybe you shouldn't have cheated on her.

JAY

I know. I know. But it is so unfair for her to not allow me to learn that lesson.

David walks in to get something. Again Jay acts like nothing is wrong, his face covered in tears.

JAY

I just think I am stronger when you put me in afternoon shifts. I get groggy in the morning,

David exits.

JAY

I have nowhere to go. We were living together, but she dumped all my stuff on the street.

ANDY

You can stay with me.

JAY

Thank you, Andy. You are a great man.

Jay hugs Andy.

JAY

I am sorry I ever gave you a hard time. You were right about everything. You should never let sex run your life. Never.

Punjab walks in and sees them.

PUNJAB

This is why I am getting all the shit shifts. This is the bullshit of all bullshits.

He storms out.

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - DAY

Andy knocks on the door and enters. Trish hurries over to him.

TRISH

I'm so glad you're here. I need your help.

ANDY

Sure. What is it?

TRISH

Can you take Marla to Planned Parenthood? She wants to go on the pill.

ANDY

Me?

TRISH

Her father is dead set against it. I am too. But I thought maybe you could bring her down there just to get some information. Maybe we could delay her for a little bit while we figure out what to do.

ANDY

Isn't she a little young to go on the pill?

TRISH

She's sixteen. And she won't listen to me. I told her she should wait till she's much older to have sex, but it's hard for me to say that when I had a kid at seventeen. So I thought maybe she would listen to you.

ANDY

I don't know if I am the right person to do this.

TRISH

Yes you are. She has no issues with you. She likes you. Gosh, this was so much easier when we were young.

ANDY

Yeah.

TRISH

When we were kids, you just did it. It was fun. It was no big deal. There weren't all these horrible diseases. Now the whole thing is terrifying.

ANDY

Truly terrifying.

beat

Not like when we were young.

TRISH

I lost my virginity at fourteen.

ANDY

Me too. Fourteen years old. So young. So very young.

TRISH

Now I wish she held onto it till she was like, fifty.

ANDY

That's crazy talk.

TRISH

You'd really be coming through for me if you did this. I wouldn't forget it.

ANDY

Won't she be uncomfortable?

TRISH

No.

ANDY

I would think it would be very uncomfortable.

TRISH

I don't know where else to turn. I don't want her to ruin her life. It'll be fine.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - DAY

Andy is driving a sullen-looking Marla to Planned Parenthood.

MARLA

This is so gross.

ANDY

What?

MARLA

You taking me here.

ANDY

I don't mean it to be gross. Your mother thought you needed someone to talk to.

MARLA

Andy, you're a nice guy, but you're practically a stranger. I don't want to talk about sex with you.

ANDY

Either do I. I know it's embarrassing, but you need to inform yourself. I think that is very important before you make a life-changing decision. 'Cause once you have sex, there is no turning back. You will never be the same again, and what if you want to go back? But you can't. There are no time machines. The pandora's box will be open.

MARLA

Okay, I get it. Stop trying to freak me out. I'll listen.

CUT TO:

INT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD - DAY

Andy and Marla sit across from JUDITH, a counselor.

JUDITH

Coming here was a very smart thing to do. A lot of young people act . without thinking. Carefully considering your options is a very responsible way to act. You should be proud of yourself.

MARLA

Would it be weird if I just asked you for the pill right now?

JUDITH

A sense of humor is an effective weapon in high school. I'm sure it serves you well.

ANDY

I was trying to tell her that there is no reason that she needs to engage in sexual activity at such a young age.

JUDITH

That's true. Your virginity is a gift. A gift you shouldn't be so quick to give away.

ANDY

I completely agree.

JUDITH

There are plenty of activities you can engage in without having sex that can be fun and safe.

ANDY

interested

What kind of activities? I'm sure she's interested in knowing.

JUDITH

Well, instead of having intercourse, you might want to try outercourse.

MARLA.

Outercurse. Uch. What's that?

ANDY

Yeah, what's that?

Andy is leaning forward in his chair, way more interested than Marla.

JUDITH

Outercourse is anything that isn't vaginal intercourse. It can be just having fun in a non-sexual way with your friend. Or it can be kissing.

^JDY

Kissing is nice.

JUDITH

And there are many ways to be sexual without intercourse — such as body rubbing, which you might call “dry humping."

ANDY

See, you can do that.

JUDITH

Masturbation, mutual masturbation.

ANDY

What's that?

JUDITH

That's when you both masturbate at the same time.

ANDY

to Marla

You could do that instead.

JUDITH

There's deep kissing, erotic massage, oral sex play, role­ playing, and sharing fantasies with a partner.

ANDY

So there are a lot of things you can do instead of sex.

JUDITH

It's only limited by your imagination.

MARLA

I think I'm gonna vomit.

JUDITH

That's very funny, but this is serious business. Outercourse offers nearly 100 percent protection against pregnancy.

ANDY

That's a plus. I didn't know that.

JUDITH

Outercourse can also greatly reduce the risk of HIV/AIDS and many other sexually transmitted infections — unless body fluids are exchanged through oral or anal intercourse. But some infections, like herpes and HPV, can be passed by skin-to-skin contact.

ANDY

This is fantastic. What would someone do about performance anxiety? 'Cause I am sure Marla and her friend are worried that their sex won't be satisfying, and then the unsatisfied partner might fly into a rage and break it off with the inadequate partner.

JUDITH

Sex takes practice, but there are many techniques to extend the amount of time that a man can maintain his erection. Including visualization techniques and a personal favorite of mine, which is called pinching. What a woman does is, right when her man is about to ejaculate she pinches his--

MARLA

I've got to get out of here.

ANDY

Marla1

she runs out to the car.

ANDY

Can't you just let her finish?!

to Judith

I'm sorry. You have a lot of this information on your web site, right?

INT. CAR - DAY

Andy and Marla are driving home.

ANDY

I thought that was very informative.

MARLA

Can we not talk? I think I'm gonna be sick.

ANDY

Well, what do you think?

MARLA

I think I don't want to have sex ever.

ANDY

I'm with you.

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT

Andy is talking to Trish.

TRISH

I don't know what you did, but she has completely changed her tune.

ANDY

It wasn't really me. She is a smart kid. Once she got all the right information, she knew what to do.

TRISH

Thank you. You'd make a great dad.

ANDY

You think so.

TRISH

I know so. I've seen it.

ANDY

nervously

Well, I better get going. It's been a long day.

TRISH

Stay.

ANDY

I can't. I've got to...go to work in the morning.

TRISH

I'll make it worth your while.

ANDY

shocked

Trish.

TRISH

She's not allowed to do it, but we are.

Andy is cornered. He isn't sure what to do. He doesn't want to do it, and he doesn't want to debate it. He thinks, then--

ANDY

You crazy chick. I'm gonna have to give you one of their pamphlets.

He giggles nervously at his own joke and exits before she can react.

INT. CIRCUIT CITY - DAY

Andy is with a FEMALE customer. He is more confident than we have ever seen him.

ANDY

You could go that way, but for the extra money you are getting a product that will be the centerpiece of your home.

FEMALE CUSTOMER

I don't know.

ANDY

Well, don't decide today. As I always say, there is nothing wrong with delaying an important decision.

FEMALE CUSTOMER

You know what, I'm gonna go for it.

ANDY

Great. I will write it up for you.

He walks to the register. Trish walks over to him.

TRISH

Hi, honey.

We reveal David, Jay and Cal watching this exchange.

ANDY

Oh, hi. What are you doing here?

TRISH

I knew you were working a long shift today, so I brought you a healthy lunch, and look. I found you the cutest sweater. She holds it up. It is in fact a cute sweater.

ANDY

I love it. Thank you.

He gives her a quick kiss.

TRISH

Well, I have a lot of errands to run. Marla and I are going shopping for prom dresses. I'll see you for dinner.

ANDY

Not if I see you first.

He laughs at his bad joke. She exits. The guys walk up to him.

DAVID

How's that healthy lunch?

David and Cal laugh.

CAL

Yeah. Is it healthy?

DAVID

You need to stay healthy if you want to fit into that cute sweater.

ANDY

Guys. Come on.

DAVID

You are in deep.

JAY

So? Maybe he likes it.

CAL

Do you even know what you have done? You are dating a woman with two kids.

ANDY

Three. One is twenty six. Lives in Ohio. Has a one year-old boy. Jackson.

CAL

So she's a grandmother.

ANDY

I didn't say that.

CAL

She has a kid. That makes Trish a grandmother .

JAY

Lay off him. He has fallen for this woman. And he is happy. That's all that matters.

CAL

Don't get all soft because your girl dumped you.

JAY

She didn't dump me. We are giving each other some space.

DAVID

I'm not saying it's wrong, but I am saying, you better make sure this is what you want. As soon as the Tupperware and the sweaters come out, it is over. You are as good as married.

ANDY

Maybe that's what I want.

CAL

Well, getting married would be a good way to avoid sex.

They all laugh.

CAL

I read that in a "Cathy" cartoon.

JAY

You are such a fag.

CAL

Cathy is funny!

INT. ANDY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Andy and Trish are watching the very end of a film.

ANDY

That was a good movie--

Trish starts kissing him.

TRISH

Let's do it right now.

ANDY

Do what?

TRISH

Have sex.

ANDY

Oh, that goes against our agreement.

TRISH

Fuck that agreement, I want you right now. I can't take it any longer.

She puts her hand on his crotch.

ANDY

Maybe we shouldn't have intercourse.

TRISH

Huh?

ANDY

We're just letting our hormones think for us. Let's have outercourse.

TRISH

What is outercourse?

ANDY

Mutual masturbation. Rubbing on each other with our clothes on. Fooling around without exchanging fluids. It's fun and it's responsible.

TRISH

■What the fuck are you talking about? Are you high?

ANDY

No, I am respecting you.

92 .

TRISH

I knew there was something about you. You're too mellow. Are you on oxycotin?

ANDY

No!

TRISH

Do you think I'm unattractive? Old? What the hell's the matter with me? What the hell's the matter with you?

ANDY

Nothing. We had an agreement.

TRISH

Not forever.

ANDY

Well you can't just break the agreement without talking to me about it.

TRISH

I am talking to you about it now.

ANDY

Well I am saying I want to think about it.

TRISH

For how long?

ANDY

A couple of weeks. What's the rush?

TRISH

Because I am in love with you.

She waits for him to reply in kind, but he is stunned. He is mainly thinking "if I say I love her, which I do, she will want to.have sex with me. What to do?"

TRISH

she counts

Two, three, four, five. Fuck!

ANDY

What?

TRISH

If someone doesn't say it back in five seconds, there's trouble. Anything after that is bullshit.

ANDY

You can't put that kind of pressure on someone.

TRISH

If you love someone, there is no pressure. I knew I shouldn't have said that.

ANDY

That's not true.

TRISH

Wow, you still haven't said it.

ANDY

What is going on? Where is this coming from?

TRISH

You fucker. Don't play head games with me.

ANDY

What? I'm not playing.

TRISH

You are not just playing with me. I am part of a family. If that sucks, tough shit, that's just how it is.

ANDY

Who's complaining?

TRISH

Get out. Just get out. You liar.

ANDY

I didn't lie.

TRISH

Yes you did. You're not who you said you were.

ANDY

Who did I say I was?

TRISH

You said you were the one. But the one would have passion for me. Would want me. Would love me. He wouldn't always be moving away just a little when I touched him. It's cruel. So, just get out!

Andy is pushed out the door.

INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Andy enters his apartment. Jay is there packing up his things.

ANDY

What happened?

JAY

Me and Jill are getting back together. She's pregnant.

ANDY

With your kid?

JAY

Yeah, with my kid. That's why she broke up with me. Because she found out she was pregnant, and she didn't know if I would be a good dad in light of the fact that I cheat on her all the time.

ANDY

So this is good?

JAY

It's the best. I love her sooo much. This was meant to happen. I was meant to be with her and to be the father to this child. I will never screw around again. I am so lucky.

ANDY

sadly

I am so happy for you.

JAY

Did something happen?

ANDY

I'm sorry. I don't mean to ruin your good news. I'm just sad 'cause Trish wants to have sex.

JAY

That's what you wanted.

ANDY

No, she really wants to have sex. Like right now. What do I do? If she finds out I am a virgin she won't like me anymore. She will think I am a loser.

JAY

No, she won't.

ANDY

She will. What kind of man doesn't have sex for forty years? And I am about to turn forty one. If I turn forty one without having sex, that's really pathetic.

JAY

Then don't tell her. Just have sex with her. Give it to her really good.

ANDY

I don't know how to do that.

JAY

You might get lucky. You might be good.

ANDY

Really?

JAY

Well, since you have forty years of sexual energy stored up, there is a chance that it might not last very long.

ANDY

This is what I was worried about. If I am honest, she'll think I am defective. If I have sex it will be bad and she won't want to be with me. I'll never get a second chance.

JAY

Hold on, relax. I am going to give you some advice right now. And I want you to just take it because I know what I am talking about. I took my girlfriend for granted. I didn't appreciate her. I didn't accept that she was the best person could ever dream of. And because of that, I almost lost her. But now that I have been honest with her, we are going to have a long life together. And a child.

So you think I should just tell her everything.

JAY

No. I think you should get it on with that girl Beth from the bookstore. Pay attention. Learn as much as you can, then use that knowledge with Trish.

ANDY

That doesn't sound ethical.

JAY

What, she likes you. She wants you. You would be giving her something she wants. What's unethical about that. You area't asking her to marry you so you can steal her fortune.

ANDY

That makes sense.

JAY

I think it is what Trish would want.

ANDY

Thank you, Jay. I know I have been tough on you, but without your advice I wouldn't have gotten this far.

JAY

Thanks. That means a a lot to me. Now go get that girl. And when you're done--go get your girl and do her!

CUT TO:

INT. BOOKSTORE - DAY

Andy walks over to where Beth is putting away books.

ANDY

Hey.

BETH

Hey.

ANDY

I was going to ask you to hang out after work tonight, but I heard you were busy.

BETH

Busy with what?

ANDY

Busy hanging out with me after work.

She is not sure what this means, but she smiles. She likes him.

CUT TO:

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - DAY

Trish, Marla and Julia are decorating the house. A banner reads "HAPPY FORTY FIRST BIRTHDAY ANDY."

Trish starts putting frosting on a cake.

TRISH

Come on, hurry up. I want everything to be perfect when he gets here.

JULIA

He is gonna be so surprised.

CUT TO:

INT. ANDY'S BATHROOM - DUSK

Andy is preparing for his date.

Quick Cuts:

*Andy irons his socks and underwear.

*Using a hand mirror to see his back, he waxes some stray strips of hair.

*Andy puts deodorant on his underarms, and his palms.

*Andy trims his nose hair. Then plucks his uni-brow.

*Andy opens his mouth. He is wearing the teeth whitening strips made by Crest. He takes them off, then smiles at the results. Then he scrapes his tongue.

*Andy pulls a Biori strip off his nose. He looks at it, then grimaces in disgust.

*We reveal that Andy's entire face is covered with Biori strips. He starts peeling them off.

*Andy opens a very large box of condoms and puts one in his wallet. He has to discard lots of other business and credit cards to make room for it.

CUT TO:

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Trish, Julia and Marla are sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Andy.

TRISH

This is so unlike him. He always comes straight over from work.

They hear a noise at the door.

TRISH

Shhhh. That's him. Come on.

They all walk to the door. Trish throws it open.

EVERYONE

Happy Birthday!!!!

We reveal that it is an ASIAN MAN who is putting a menu for a Chinese restaurant in their mail slot.

DELIVERY MAN

Thank you. You three weeks late.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Andy sits across from Beth. Both are kind of dressed up.

ANDY

Do you like working at the bookstore?

BETH

Yeah. It's really quiet. We don't have that many customers and the ones we do have are really mellow. Which is good because I used to work at a restaurant, and it was really busy and hectic, and I could never get the orders right, so I kind of got fired.

ANDY

You must love reading?

BETH

Not really. I'm not much of a reader. I'm more of a do-er. But they have a great magazine rack, so I like to read those. I know they're not books, but some of them are pretty long.

Andy is trying to stay interested in Beth, but it is difficult.

CUT TO:

INT. TRISH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Trish is putting on her jacket. Marla and Julia watch.

MARLA

Where do you think he is?

TRISH

I don't know, but I'm getting nervous. Maybe someone hit him when he was riding his bicycle over. I'm gonna go drive the route from his house and see if I can find him.

Trish runs out.

CUT TO:

INT. BETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Andy and Beth are walking in to the apartment.

BETH

Thank you for dinner.

ANDY

It was my pleasure.

BETH

Care for a drink?

ANDY

Sure.

She gets two glasses of wine. She hands one to Andy. He drinks the entire glass down when she turns away.

BETH

I have wanted you to ask me out for a long time.

ANDY

I've wanted to go out with you for a long time.

BETH

You are so handsome.

She stares into Andy's eyes. She is clearly waiting for a kiss. Andy locks up. This makes it appear like he is giving her a white hot sexual stare, but he is just terrified and not sure what to do.

BETH

You melt me.

ANDY

long beat

Good.

BETH

I am gonna run a bath. Would you care to join me?

ANDY

For a bath?

BETH

We can do more than bathe. We can get dirty.

ANDY

not quite understanding

In the bath.

BETH

I am gonna eat you up.

She kisses, him on the mouth, then walks to the bathroom, smiles at him, then closes the door.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Marla is on her cell phone talking to Jay.

MARLA

So you have no idea where he is?

JAY

on phone-clearly lying

No. I can't imagine where he would go.

MARLA

Well, if you hear anything, please call me.

JAY

I will.

INT. JAY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Jay is sitting with his girlfriend, who we have never seen before.

JAY

I've got to go.

JILL

If you are cheating on me, I'll rip your balls off.

JAY

I'm not going to cheat on you.

JILL

I am pregnant. If you did that, it would be sick.

JAY

I'm not. I have to go help a friend.

CUT TO:

INT. BETH'S APARTMENT/BATHROOM - NIGHT

Andy is waiting in the living room.

BETH

from behind the bathroom door

Come on in.

Andy walks into the bathroom, and Beth is completely naked, Andy takes a breath.

BETH

Do you like?

ANDY

I like.

She walks over to him and takes off his shirt.

BETH

Let me help you with that.

She takes off his pants. He gets pale. She leans down and takes off his underwear. (The nudity is mainly tastefully hidden.)

ANDY

I could have gotten that, but thank you.

She stares at him. He takes a deep breath, then leans in to kiss her. This is it.

When he does, she puts her finger on his lips.

BETH

Before we start I want to show you what gives me pleasure.

She gets in the tub. Her hand moves down her body.

CLOSE UP OF ANDY

For the next full minute we are on a medium shot of Andy's face as Beth pleasures herself.

We do not hear a lot of noise. A little breathing and the occasional splash.

Andy's face goes through a kaleidoscope of emotions: interested, happy, shocked, ashamed, frightened.

ANGLE ON THE BATH

We see Beth for a moment from an angle which disguises what she is doing, but we see her ecstatic face.

ANGLE ON WHERE ANDY WAS

Andy is now gone. He must have run out in the four seconds the camera was off of him.

CUT TO:

EXT. BETH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Andy walks out the front door and is surprised to find-- Hay about to knock on the door.

JAY

Don't do it.

ANDY

What?

In the background we hear the quiet sounds of Beth, moaning.

As the scene plays out she gets louder and louder.

JAY

Have sex with Beth. If you love Trish, then it'll all work out. I’m sorry for giving you stupid advice.

ANDY

Don't worry, I didn't. But if you don't get out of my way, she might come out here and force me to do it.

JAY

Well, hurry. Trish is looking for you. She's really worried.

ANDY

Okay. I'll get in touch with her right away.

They both hear the moaning.

JAY

What is going on in there? Is someone else in there?

ANDY

Just Beth.

JAY

Maybe I should go in there.

ANDY

I wouldn't.

JAY

Yeah, you're right. That was stupid.

They listen for another beat as Beth reaches her peak, then both run off--for different reasons.

EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

Andy rides his bicycle home, anxious to call Trish and tell her how much he cares for her.

EXT/INT. ANDY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Andy locks his bike, and enters his home.

When he enters, he sees Trish looking very upset.

ANDY

attempting nonchalance

Trish. What's going on?

TRISH

Maybe you should tell me.

ANDY

Okay, here's the thing. I realize I made a mistake. The reason I went out--

TRISH

What's this?

Trish holds up a stack on movies: 'The Blue Lagoon,' 1/2 Weeks,' several Michael Douglas films and several pornos.

Andy realizes this isn't about his date with Beth.

ANDY

Those are David's.

TRISH

And this?

She holds up his speed dating "rating card." On it, in his handwriting, is the names of women and his comments. We see phrases like, "she seems nice," "very nice," I like her, she was nice," "No!! She scared me," "nice, smelled like my grandma.."

ANDY

I did that before I met you. It was silly.

TRISH

points to the computer

Your picture is on Match.com. And you have all these books about how to have sex. A lot of them have disturbing pictures in them.

ANDY

Well, when I bought those I didn't realize the pictures would be so--

TRISH

Why do you have them?! What kind of sick pervert are you? Are you some kind of sex maniac? Everything in your apartment is about sex. Is that all you think about? Is that all you care about?

ANDY

No. Of course not. I have never even tried to have sex with you.

TRISH

Well, then what the hell are you trying to do? What are you buttering me up for?

She takes a beat.

TRISH

You're not going to kill me are you?

ANDY

No, I, I, I...I love you.

She stares at him, contemplates what he said then runs out the door. Andy runs after her.

ANDY

Trish, wait!

EXT. ANDY’ S APARTMENT - CONT.

Trish runs to her car. Andy follows. She drives off. Andy chases her with his bike.

After pedaling hard he reaches her window and drives along next to her.

ANDY

Trish, stop!

TRISH

Get away before you get hurt 1

ANDY

I love you. I swear. That is why I never tried to make love to you. I was scared.

TRISH

Why would you be scared?

ANDY

Because ... because, I've never done it before.

TRISH

You said you lost your virginity at fourteen.

ANDY

I lied. I am a virgin. I always have been.

TRISH

But, you're forty one years old.

ANDY

You don't need to point that out. I am well aware of that fact.

TRISH

I don't know what to believe. But I am pretty sure I don't believe you.

She drives off. She slows down for a red, then it turns green and she takes off. Before she can Andy drives his bike in front of her car, and drives from side to side so she can't get past him.

ANDY

Look at me. I collect action figures. Look how I walk. I ride a bicycle to work. And I date the most wonderful, beautiful woman in the world and I don't just grab her and ravage her.

beat

Because I'm a virgin.

TRISH

Why?

ANDY

It almost happened a bunch of times when I was younger, but it didn't work out, then when I got older there were some close calls that went kind of bad. Then I got scared. Then I gave up. Then I got more scared. Then I met you.

Trish stops the car. She stays in the car as he speaks to her.

ANDY

I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away.

beat

So?

beat

Don't leave me hanging here. What do you think? Am I defective? Am I abnormal?

Trish kisses him hard on the lips. It is very passionate.

They kiss for a long time.

TRISH

Andy, the most important thing in my life is my family. I know that from the outside my situation may not seem like a bed of roses, but it is.

ANDY

I know. And I want to be a part of it.

TRISH

I love you, Andy.

ANDY

I love you, Trish.

TRISH

Now what do we do?

Andy thinks about this.

CUT TO:

EXT. A BEAUTIFUL HILLSIDE OVERLOOKING THE OCEAN - DAY

Andy and Trish are getting married. Everyone is there, all her kids even the twenty six year old and her daughter, everyone from work, Jay is there with Jill, David is back together with his ex-girlfriend, Cal is there with the tattooed woman from speed dating. Aboojay from work is there with his date, Beth.

PRIEST

You may now kiss the bride.

Andy and Trish kiss. The crowd explodes with cheers. They run down the path as children throw flowers at them-

CUT TO :

INT. HOTEL BEDROOM - NIGHT

Andy and Trish are in bed, under the covers.

TRISH

Are you ready?

ANDY

Yeah. Definitely.

TRISH

Okay.

ANDY

Wait! I need another second.

He take's a deep breath.

ANDY

Now I'm ready.

TRISH

Here we go.

The screen fades to black.

GRAPHIC UP: "THE END"

CREDITS ROLL

OVER CREDITS WE SEE:

EXT. FANCY BEACH FRONT HOTEL - MORNING

Andy walks out of his room.

MUSIC UP: "THE AGE OF AQUARIUS"

Andy is overjoyed. He breaks into a very elaborate dance.- The employees of the hotel join him in the happiest dance sequence ever filmed.

Trish comes out and joins in. It is like the Central Park scene from "Hair."

It is a new day for Andy.